Saturday, May 30, 2009

Flowers in the Rain

Rainy Day Flower Harvest Basket

Today is a blissfully peaceful, rainy, cloudy, sort of cool but humid day here at Mountain Harvest Basket.

My phone has not rung even once today. I can hardly believe that. I pick up the receiver occasionally to make sure the dial tone is still working.

Even my incoming emails have been less than usual. Certainly my outgoing ones are less on the weekends lately.

I love that today is a slow, stay-around-home-and-do-what-I feel-like-doing day. That is such a rarity in my life. Usually I am going in several directions at once with many partially finished tasks all at the same time and juggling phone calls, emails, people, activities, outings and events. I can do that. I am even pretty good at all that coordination stuff, but it sure wears me out to a frazzle sometimes.

Why do I feel like I always have to give 110% of my energy to each project, event or person? Why can't just part of me, my energy or my attention be "good enough"?

Because it isn't. That's why.

I am sure you all can relate to this. Then since it is impossible to give so much of myself to every single thing that I pile up on my massive To-Do lists, I get frustrated with myself and then I feel like I have failed. I freeze and proscrastinate starting projects because I know I won't be able to do them perfectly as well as I would like to. I also sometimes feel like I have let myself or others down in the process.

Sometimes I am just so stressed out that I want to run away, far away, and hide for awhile. I fantasize about jumping into my car and just driving away somewhere. Somewhere peaceful and beautiful. Somewhere where nobody knows me and nobody expects anything from me. It would be peaceful.......for awhile. Crazy thing to fantasize about, huh? Yeah, probably.

I am really not the hermit type in general though. And I can't really jump in my car and just drive away from here in search for peace, beauty and anonymity. I have responsibilities here.

So instead of running away today, I stayed here at my home and listened to it softly rain. Felt the breezes on my skin and the let the big raindrops wet my hair as I weeded my vegetable garden and picked myself a bouquet of lovely Spring flowers to brighten my day and my heart.

I picked a bunch of sweet smelling multi-colored Sweet Williams that grow down in my lower garden near the herbs and berries. While down there I discovered that I had a slightly over-ripe artichoke (also a flower) so I brought it in to eat later as a snack. On my way back to the house I snipped a few bundles of French Lavender that grows in my herb garden right below my bedroom window. Lovely, all of them.

Flowers, especially the softly scented ones, make me happy. Flowers also remind me of my Mom, and sometimes this little girl needs to feel her Mom close to her, especially on a peaceful, rainy, cloudy day sandwiched in between weeks of frenetic chaotic activity. Sometimes I need to remember that I can't do it all or be everything to everybody all the time. Sometimes it helps to imagine my Mom telling me that everything will be OK, and then to see her smile and hear her wonderful laugh...even if it is only in my memory.

Thanks Mom. These flowers are for you too. I know how much you love them.

I can feel you with me in the garden telling the flowers to grow.

© Copyright 2009 Mountain Harvest Basket


Laughing Orca Ranch said...

Awww....Jen...your post touched my heart...just like your thoughtful, caring comments left for me recently on my blog as well. I can never truly explain how special they made me feel or how much your words truly meant...and still mean to me.

You are a beautiful person, a giving and generous person...and you, my friend, DESERVE peaceful, calm moments in your life filled with nature, warm sunshine, gentle rain, animals, and lots of sweet smelling, pretty flowers.
I hope your artichoke tasted yummy, too. :)


Hardware Bob said...

Working in the garden during quiet times can be the very best of times. I totally forget all about my stressors while in the garden. Mother nature is the greatest friend to talk to about my troubles, and it's also really fun to play in the dirt.

I find myself slipping into my memories often. It's can be as rewarding as driving off to Arizona somewhere.

You are a super, multitasking woman, it's in your nature and always will be. Me, well I try to keep my list fairly short to avoid overwhelming myself.Then it's one project at a time until it's done.

Everything will be ok Farmer Jen. Your Mom is watching. ♥

Farmgirl_dk: said...

I believe women are, by nature (or is it really by nurture?), multi-taskers and perfectionists. I know I, myself, have struggled in depth with everything you have described. The very hardest thing to do is to recognize what self-defeating behavior this is. To be able to take a deep breath, award ourselves the same patience we give to others, and give permission to not be everything to everyone and everything all the time is a gift we all deserve. I think this is probably one of those on-going life challenges that will always be there to work on. :-)
In the meantime, good for you for verbalizing what I know frustrates and pains so many. You've taken the first step to letting it go.
When you get there, will you help me? :-)

And that is *the* most gorgeous artichoke I have ever seen. ♥

CaliforniaGrammy said...

I loved reading your heartfelt words today, Jen. I know exactly what you mean about being a perfectionist, and I'm always reminding myself of words I grew up with . . . words from my Mom . . . those words were "Always do your best, it doesn't have to be perfect, but it should be your best."

I'm missing my Mom especially this week. We're getting ready for her memorial service up in Healdsburg so she has been on my mind constantly for the last couple weeks preparing for the, what seems like, family reunion. There are over 35 cousings I've not seen since we were kids, nieces and nephews, grandkids and great grandkids along with my three sisters. . . all coming to honor Mom.

So when you mentioned "sometimes this little girl needs to feel her Mom close to her" oh boy, did that ever tug at my heart. It's so true.

Thanks for the thoughtful post.

And Danni's right. That IS a beautiful artichoke, my favorite vegetable of all time! Growing a vegetable garden is something we really miss living this "nomad" lifestyle we do.

CaliforniaGrammy said...

Whoops! I meant cousins, not cousings!

Farmer Jen said...

Hi Lisa,
Thank you for your sweet praise & hugs.

Hi Bob,
Thank you for your praise of my multitasking nature. I appreciate that you assure me that things will all be OK and that my Mom is here with me.

Hi Danni,
I agree with you and appreciate your words of wisdom. Sure, I'll help you if I can, but I have not mastered the skills you seek yet. Thanks for the artichoke praise!

Hi CA Grammy,
Thank you for sharing your Mom's wisdom with me. I know you miss your Mom. She is still with you and is watching over you.